What I Learned During Self-Quarantine With My Wife

  • I miss being able to stop by a friend’s house for a beer. I will never take this for granted once we get it back.
  • I should have got a haircut before non-essentials closed. I have to put a hat on for online meetings.
  • My wife married a really, really, really funny person. My wife doesn’t know this.
  • I need more Nike sweats. My wife needs more leggings.
  • Amazon is The Devil. If it wasn’t for Jeff Bezos, I might actually save money in this quarantine.
  • If I think about it enough, I will buy a f*cking drone on Amazon. It shows up on April 10.
  • My wife and I have Amazon races to see who’s package shows up first. She leads 5–3.
  • God, I miss sports.
  • Going to Wal-Mart with my wife is like going to rob a bank. Get your gun, get your mask, get your gloves, get your hand sanitizer, get your Clorox wipes. Always Go Prepared in the Correct Mindset.
  • I am such a terrible house husband. My cooking and cleaning skills are so sub-par, it raises the question if they even exist.
  • My wife has raised the question if they exist. Repeatedly.
  • If my wife leaves a pair of socks on the stairs as a test, it will take me four days before I know.
  • If my wife hadn’t told me I was failing a test after four days, the socks would still be there.
  • If my wife had more sock patience, I might not be alive to write this.
  • Once a day, my wife and I feel the need to growl and snarl at each other for no reason whatsoever. All we can do is laugh about it after because for some reason we can’t prevent it.
  • Working out at home sucks.
  • Working from home sucks.
  • I miss seeing teachers and students every day. I will never complain about going to school ever again, cross my heart and hope to die.
  • Tiger King is a train wreck. Why are we so drawn to dumpster fires?
  • My wife listens to my online meetings and I listen to hers. We both feel the need to comment about them to each other.
  • Both of us have severely lowered our day-drinking standards.
  • If we both experience an earthquake at home, we will talk about it for an hour straight and re-enact the event for each other, from our perspective, multiple times.
  • We both are much better at checking in on our family by phone and FaceTime now.
  • Walking the dogs has become the excitement of the day. After a few more weeks of this shit, I will be spinning circles and peeing in the garage in excitement when it’s time to W-A-L-K.
  • Getting three weeks to the gallon in our rigs is pretty cool.
  • If you never drive anywhere, you can’t get a DUI.
  • Why isn’t there a documentary about that bitch Carole Baskins and her dead husband?
Written by: NathanWhite